listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just had sex on a roof
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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