you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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