Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
