So drunk its hurt
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
