is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
