Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
