a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
