My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
