Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
