Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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