i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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