so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
