Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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