I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
this boner is exhausting
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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