She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
