I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
