Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
