fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
