i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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