Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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