The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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