We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
