Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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