Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
