well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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