fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize