I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
