we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
