my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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