I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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