hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
