if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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