How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
