Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
