Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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