guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize