I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
