I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my sisters under your porch take her home
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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