If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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