Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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