I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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