i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize