you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
