tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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