I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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