I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
