Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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