How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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