my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
operation have a gay friend backfired
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
