his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You were trust falling into bushes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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