Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
