wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
