you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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