So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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