Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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