Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
