A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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